blog i am i am hopeful

I AM Hopeful

Before reading this story, please remember I am sharing this story, a very personal story, to provide other women and families with HOPE. Here it goes...

Brett and I have been together since our Senior year of High School. We got married in 2013, four years after we graduated from college. Three years later when we decided we were ready to have a baby, I assumed it would happen right away, but that was not the case.

We were in the South of France when we decided to “try”. We joked that we would name our baby “Eden” or “Rock” because that was the hotel we were staying at when we tried for the first time.  One month passed, two months passed, three, and “trying” was still fun! We were totally relaxed for these first few months, but after a few months with ‘no luck’ things started to change. My mental state became frenzied and obsessive; it was the only thing I could think about, and every time that “two week wait” came along, I couldn’t focus on anything but “the test”.  Every month that passed made “trying” feel like a job, and I slowly started to resent the entire process. My husband was truly amazing, and my rock throughout the entire journey, but it was really hard on both of us.  

For my entire life, whenever I’ve put my heart and mind into achieving something, I wouldn’t stop until it was accomplished; wrapping my mind around why I couldn’t make this happen was really hard for my type A personality...not having control was driving me crazy.  And all the while, every Instagram or Facebook post with a Baby announcement felt like a direct attack on me and my fertility, rather than a celebration for these people’s announcements. I felt horrible! I missed birthday parties for my friends’ kids because being in a room full of babies and pregnant women made me sick. I never let anyone see this in the outside world. 

After six months of trying, we decided to see a Fertility Specialist.  She gave me Clomid, which is a medication used to stimulate ovulation. On the first try, we were pregnant!  I finally saw that “positive” test I was waiting for, and I was elated!! It was the end of January 2017, and my husband’s birthday was two weeks away. He came home and I had put the test inside a Cartier box (which fully makes sense, given who I am, and what I do).  Brett had wanted a “Love bracelet” with a blackened finish, but I knew that this would blow him away. And it did! We both cried, and I actually have it filmed! That “high” lasted two weeks, until my gyno told me that it was a “chemical pregnancy”, and that I could expect to have a miscarriage.  Which I did, on a plane to Hawaii, on my husband’s 30th birthday. The only silver lining is that I knew it was coming. For those who don’t know, a “chemical pregnancy” is when an egg becomes fertilized but the implantation isn’t completed.

I was devastated, but we spent our time in Hawaii clearing my head, and drinking Rum punches. I was at least hopeful that I had seen that “positive” test, and that it could happen again. We tried this three more times with no success. The next attempt was an IUI, which then failed as well. I was frustrated that there was no explanation for why this wasn’t happening, and decided to seek out further advice. I started telling just about everyone I felt comfortable with about our experience, and asking if they knew any doctors they could recommend.

In August 2017, we met with Dr. Brian Levine at CCRM, just over a year after we started this journey. His incredible bedside manner, attention to detail, and handholding approach to medicine made me feel confident.  I learned that I have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). PCOS can cause irregular menstrual cycles and difficulty conceiving. I was so happy to finally have an answer, but furious that the two other specialists I had seen during this journey thus far never mentioned this being a possibility. We immediately made a plan for an egg retrieval and IVF. I was truly LUCKY to learn that my eggs were healthy, and we ended up with 19 healthy frozen embryos. This was the result of one retrieval. I know that others are not as lucky, and many women have to go through this process several times. I would say that the retrieval (and the weeks leading up to it) are the hardest. I was being pumped with hormones, giving myself shots every day. A weak person could not make it through. There were some days I felt like I just couldn’t do it; and I’d stand in my bathroom for 20-30 minutes trying to convince myself to stick myself with the needle. It was brutal! But every day that went by was one less day I had left! And if it worked, it would all be worth it!

The IVF process is really all-consuming. I was at the Doctor’s office every week, having blood drawn, and making sure that everything was going to plan. The anticipation of each visit filled me with dread, and I scanned the waiting room waiting for the day I would see a familiar face.  And my face fell when it happened the first time; it was a girl I knew from camp. She was so nice to reach out afterwards to offer her support and to assure me that she wouldn’t tell anyone she had seen me there. On top of everything I was going through, I felt EMBARRASSED!! While my husband held my hand throughout the entire journey, it wasn’t his infertility, but mine.  He couldn’t quite understand the shame that I felt as a woman who doesn’t ovulate, and who couldn’t get pregnant naturally. The embarrassment slowly subsided as I started paying attention to blogs and Instagram accounts that discussed topics of fertility. It made me feel less alone.  

I hope that sharing my story can help break down some of the shame other women might be feeling about their infertility journeys. Our journey worked! We allowed the Doctor to select the most healthy embryo, which was our little Jordan.  And just before Thanksgiving last year, we learned I was pregnant. The shots didn’t stop for another 10-13 weeks, but a week before I left for Bora Bora with my family, with a huge bruise on my butt from the Progesterone, I was DONE! I had made it through, and didn’t look back!

It was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. The willpower to push through day after day of sticking yourself with a needle is unparalleled! But I know I am one of the lucky ones. It worked for me, and I couldn’t be more thankful!

I am hopeful that by sharing my story, other women will be more proactive about exploring their fertility, before they’ve wasted precious time and driven themselves half-crazy. I am also hopeful that this provides some relief to other women out there who are asking themselves “what is wrong with me” or “what did I do to deserve this?” Infertility is scary, and I am lucky to have made it to the other side (this time). But I know I’ll have to do IVF again for my future children; and honestly, I’m no less scared, or upset about it. Knowing that other people can just have sex and get pregnant on their first try is frustrating. But we all do what we have to do. And this is one of SO many sacrifices a parent makes for their children. It’s a lesson in patience and self-awareness. It’s a test! But it’s worth it!

I want to finish by saying that my journey is unique to me. I know that many other women and men struggle with infertility, and that their “answers” aren’t quite as simple. I also know that so many people cannot afford the treatments recommended to resolve their issues. My only goal here is to empower others to share their stories, to be HOPEFUL, because by sharing your journey, you may be able to provide sanity and strength to someone else. My Instagram community has been with me to celebrate all of my happy moments and my “wins”, and I think it’s only fair that you know that what you see is not always the full picture. My life is not always rainbows!! But my rainbow baby was worth every minute of the journey.

  • Cardinal Lindsay on

    For several years my husband and I tried to get pregnant. He and I went to see doctors to get checked out several times. I have eaten right and exercised most of my life and just found it heartbreaking when the doctor discovered that I had Ovarian CYSTS on my UTERUS and other infertility issues. I had the cysts removed but that did not start our success right away. A friend of mine told me about something she did, contacting a spell caster, Dr Ozigidon. Once, I tried her steps by contacting this same man via his email [drozigidonhenz.spell.net@gmail.com] and with his spiritual prayers and powerful spells my husband and I had success, I became pregnant and finally gave birth to a wonderful baby boy . Dr Ozigidon did it all for us. Contact him now to put an end to your years of infertility. His whats-App (+2349054750112) I pray everyone gets the opportunity to have their dreams come true of becoming a mother, because it is a wonderful experience and a love like no other holding your bundle of joy!

  • Doreen on

    Am so so glad and I will forever be your daughter my master , I was unable to conceive after 17 years of marriage and this was giving my husband and I a sleepless night , I was looking for help all over the place just to have a child of my own until I came across this powerful spell caster who prepared herbs for me and told me after I use this herbs to rob my tommy and apply some on my husband manhood, well to cut the whole story short, he told me what to do with the herbs after I did it and I and my husband meet after 3 weeks I was confirmed pregnant and gave birth to a set of twins , I want to say a very big thank you sir for your help, please help me thank him for me , here is his WhatsApp number : +2348054681416 you can as well email him, greatmutaba@ aol .com thanks again sir

  • sidra khan on

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  • Stephanie Sally on

    Hello everyone, I am from Wembley, Britain. I want to write this testimony to tell others and thank Dr. Odunga for what he has done for me. The first 12 years of my marriage I have had 5 miscarriages and I was called all sorts of names by my mother-in-law and this made my marriage life very hectic and a burden of sorrow. I contacted Dr. Odunga for help and I will say that he is a very strong and honest man and he indeed helped me solve my problem. I saw his email in a testimony and i contacted him, little did i know it would be the end of all my problems. After 2 days of contact, I received a fertility herb and he told me to use it. The herb worked and my husband even loved me more and bought me expensive things. One afternoon, I went to a nearby hospital and came back home with the positive result of my pregnancy and after 9 months I gave birth to a baby boy. Ever since I contacted Dr. Odunga, my story has been different. I have 3 children at present and I am very happy in my marriage. Please, contact him at odungaspelltemple@gmail. com OR Whats App him +2348167159012 to help you too

  • ashley on

    You need help to GET PREGNANT? contact Dr Femi on this email : femicure@gmail.com , i am here to share my testimony on HOW I CONCEIVE my babies after i suffer from PCOS and my TUBES WERE TIED, i have been married to my husband for 7 years without no child. i had problems with my in-laws even my husband started to have new affairs aside our marriage. it was a very terrible thing to bear, been to many doctors and yet my case remain the same, i was now seen as always unhappy. my husband was not giving me any attention that i needed from him. on this fateful day, i decided to check the net for updates on Trying To Conceive with pcos and tied tubes, and i came across a story of a woman who Dr Femi helped to conceive a twins under same condition as mine with the aid of natural herbal medication . so i decided to put a try because this has been my greatest problem in life. today i am a proud mom with two kids. contact him today via email: femicure@gmail.com, he will surely make your dreams come through. I’m sharing this story to help women with similar problem, you too can conceive and have children. make that step today and i promise you wont regret it.

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